Posts Tagged ‘mom’

What it’s like to be baby fevered

November 14, 2008

I turned 33 three days ago, and seeing that number still jars me. Being in my thirties at all jars me, because this is not how I would have chosen my life to be. Single, with no real plan for being able to afford to raise a child, let alone anyone to raise them with (I’m dating someone, but it’s long distance and to my mind, quite precarious). I live in two-bedroom apartment that is a gigantic mess, so much so that I haven’t let anyone in it in…a long time. And I mean anyone. That’s not something I’m proud to admit.

So many aspects of my life are not where I want them to be, from debt to career and freelancing to my personal life, that I often wonder how I can even consider becoming a mom. I mean, I don’t even always brush my teeth at night! I don’t take the best care of myself, but I’m trying. Last Febraury, I stopped drinking alcohol, after a particularly inebriated night when I did a podcast interview, totally wasted. Since then I’ve had one drink, in February of this year. I quit my 4-6 liter a day Diet Coke habit, and haven’t had any since October 2007. I see those as positive steps, but there’s so much more I need to do. Every time I say something mean about someone, hurt someone’s feelings, miss a deadlineæin general, fuck upæI feel like I will never be a good mom.

And yet, becoming a mom, having a child of my own, is something I think about every day. Despite this blog’s title, it’s not just a baby I want, I promise. It’s a lifestyle makeoveræa life makeover, really. A chance to do things differently, to not be who I see myself as, I gigantic fuckup, a mess, on the outside and the inside.

I read about parenting, and specifically, being a mom, a lot. I’m so honored that some of the women whose memoirs I’ve read, who’ve touched me so much with their writing, are now women I consider friends, like Rachel Sarah (Single Mom Seeking), Gail Konop Baker (Cancer is a Bitch), Mary Pols (Accidentally on Purpose). All of them have told me, pretty much directly, that if I want it, I will become a mom. I want to believe that they’re right, that I can overcome these obstacles, internal and external, but I don’t know.

I just know that I want it so badly. I feel like right now in so many ways I’m biding my time, wasting it on relationship drama, writing projects that I only sometimes care about, life busywork, if you will, when what I truly desire is for The Whole Package. Yes, I want to be pregnant. Sometimes when I’ve eaten a big meal or have just gained weight or gotten bloated, I look at my stomach and I have <I>way</I> more of a baby bump than what you see some of the tabloids saying count for celebrities. I’m not dieting or anything, but I don’t want to gain weight for no reason, but for a baby, I’d gain whatever I needed.

My grandfather, who is so sweet and loving I don’t always know what to do with his thoughts, wrote me a few months ago and said:

<I>Are you ready for a fulltime job as a mom? It’s such fun to kiss their fuzzy little heads; hear them giggle; watch them evolve into little people. But they aren’t plants. You can’t just water them once a day and see them sprout. A lot to think about and, I know the clock is ticking, but you have to be realistic, too. Nothing successful happens without a plan.</I>

I don’t know. I have a plan, kindof, but nothing specific. I go back and forth on whether I should try to become a single mom, like my mom (for the record, she advises against it), or seek out a partner who would be a good match. My current boyfriend, I just don’t know. It’s hard enough for me to envision us spending our lives together, let alone him being a dad. Then again, I don’t really know what he thinks about the whole prospect.

So that’s a little introduction to me. I’ll try to write here as often as I can about what it’s like to be a non-mom peering in at the world of kids and parenting from the outside. I do get to hang out with my awesome, amazing, adorable, very, very cute cousin Adam, who will turn 3 on Monday. Not as often as I’d like, but often enough to make me totally melt. I can only hope my kids will be as special as he is.